Back so fucking soon! Oh my god. I’m not happy to be here but Papa John’s just had to force my hand! Today’s topic is the Papa John’s Cool Ranch Dorito’s Papadia.

not sprinkled crack, just cool ranch dorito spice, crack would have been a superior option

Full disclosure, I’ve had a normal Papadia before. It’s basically like a pizza rolled up into a sandwich. I think I had pepperoni, meatballs and cheese on mine. It was fine. The Papadia as an overall concept is totally defendable actually. It’s like a slice of pizza folded into a sandwich. New Yorkers eat their slices like this anyway so this just capitalizes on that concept. I’m just like why the fuck do we have to Cool Ranch everything bros?


Again, full disclosure, I fucking love Cool Ranch Doritos. They are easily the king of the doritos, like the Louis XVI of all dorito chips. I eat almonds and pistachios in lieu of chips and shit cause I’m getting fucking old, but I still love Cool Ranch Doritos and if I were ever to attend an event (tail gate, super bowl party, etc) where there were a bowl of these, I’d tear that shit up.

Also, we tried the cool ranch things with the Taco Bell Cool Ranch tacos. I had one of those and it was just underwhelming. Didn’t taste like cool ranch really and the taco is good enough, I don’t need the extra cool ranch, it’s just getting fucking ridiculous.

This is my main complaint with the cool ranch papadia. You already have a decent established product, why do I still need to add on cool ranch seasoning? You have your standard filling already and a choice of dipping sauce. Am I just trying to confuse my taste buds at this point? How many flavors does a person possibly need!?

So basically this thing is just unnecessary overreach and also just looks gross and the coup de gras is that fucking DJ Kahled is in the commercial saying he came up with the concept for this awful terrible product. That I believe!

Here he is, not making music like he always doesn’t

This guy is a total fucking phony just like the Doritos Cool Ranch Papadia. There is perfect symmetry to the “career” of DJ Kahled (this clown isn’t getting a wikipedia link) and the CRDP (tired of spelling it out).

So DJ Kahled doesn’t make beats, he doesn’t rap, he doesn’t even DJ he just finds wack beats (usually) and a rapper to rap over those beats and he says his name on the track. That’s it. He’s exactly like P-Diddy, minus the good music (his work with Biggie was good). The CRDP is also an ill-advised mismash of two things that work separately but asshole DJ Kahled had to jam them together and fuck them both up.