Hey wacky radio DJ I know that aliens didn’t actually land and the Russians haven’t attacked (yet). April Fool’s Day isn’t an official holiday, it’s considered a custom. A custom that is entirely unnecessary at this point. I’m going to provide some possible alternatives below.

Purge Day: Talk about Spring cleaning! I’ve never seen the stupid Purge movies, but you know people would participate and we probably don’t want those folks around anyway.

Spring cleaning! To the MAX!

That’s a Spicy Meataball Day: Look, we already make fun of drunk Irish people on St. Patty’s day and drunk Mexican people on Cinco De Mayo. Let’s just sandwich another ethnic group in-between these holidays and disparage them too! Even though spicy meatballs don’t have anything to do with alcohol, no worries, we can all get drunk for no reason at all.

Way past time we get a holiday making fun of you goombahs

Pollen Day: Pollen has already been hammering us by this point, but the awful onslaught to my allergic system won’t end for a couple months still! Hooray! Let’s just commemorate it.

Pure evil

Woof, still 5 months until football starts again day: The NFL draft and College Spring games only heighten the awareness that football has a long time before it resumes. We could all just tailgate somewhere, get drunk and cry.

I feel you bro

Tornado day: Tornado season has already has officially arrived by this point. Schoolchildren will probably be duck and covering under their school desks anyway, let’s celebrate it!

Yeesh, gives me the willies

It’s still kinda cold and I might have to wear a jacket today day: Spring weather is unpredictable and it could be nice outside on April 1st or bitterly cold.

We meet again friend.

Can’t lie day: Just the inverse of the current day. Not a great idea really but wanted to do 10 alternate options and this is just a pretty lazy suggestion.

pure filler

Let’s make fun of short people day: If you are under 6′ 0″ as a male and 5′ 8″ as a female, we tall folks get to make fun of you. Just merciless ridicule the entire day. Sounds fun to me!

Not gonna be a great day for you homie

First Christmas!: You know that major retailers and a lot of other people would jump on board. I mean, Christmas has been over for a whole 3 months and 1 week already! Let’s force people to buy more shit!

Sure, he can wear a fuckin green suit for first Christmas

Let’s all try to do a Sean Connery impersonation day: Everyone can try to do a Sean Connery impersonation. Pretty straight forward, but mandatory every time you speak. The government will be able to seize all of your assets if you don’t attempt to speak like Sean Connery. I feel like this is more reasonable than your girlfriend or wife pretending she is pregnant to scare the shit out of you.

shaken, not stirred, and you better at least try to say it like Sean or we are taking your house