Editor’s Note: This was a recurring segment from my original blog cultgoespop. I’m revisiting my favorite posts. Originally “published” July 10th, 2005
Don Hughes: First we get either Josh Hartnett, Orlando Bloom, or Heath Ledger to play Vinnie Barbarino.
Johnny Ballon: Whichever one of those guys can best pull off a Brooklyn type accent. We’re sort of crossing our fingers on this one but I’m positive one of them can pull it off.
DH: Ok, so Barbarino is going to get accused of killing a janitor or some shit right. And Mr. Kotter is played by none other than, get this, John Travolta!
JB: I bet Quentin Tarantino has a hard-on right now. That shit is so genius and fucking meta and totally bankable and shit.
DH: Well Mr. Kotter, to pay for Barbario’s legal counsel, has to go to Las Vegas and he enters and wins the World Series of Poke main event to pay the legal fees!
JB: And get this, we get Gabe Kaplan to play Alan Dershowitz! I bet QT just fucking shot himself right now, in the fucking head.
DH: You guys know Gabe Kaplan is a successful poker pro now, right? Well, he sure as fuck is!
JB: Totally meta, meta, meta, meta, meta, meta, meta! The fucking kids love that meta shit nowadays, that shit sells.
DH: Anyhow, so we’re at trial and shit right. Big suspenseful courtroom drama type scenes pulling in the Law & Order/CSI/crime show drama demographic right fucking there! But in the end the verdict is a hung trial, so in lieu of another trial the judge…
JB: Played by none other than Judge fucking Ito!!!
DH: So judge Ito allows for a dance off between the prosecutor and Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington to decide Barbarino’s fate.
JB: Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington is played by none other than Justin Timberlake! This little casting move will totally wrangle all that suburban wigger disposable income that will buy us all fucking YACHTS!
DH: So Freddie of course wins the dance off and saves Barbarino.
JB: In the meantime during the dance-off Washington is able to save Juan Epstein’s family’s mobile Papaya Juice Cart Business.
DH: Yeah, the whole Epstein family papaya cart subplot is a totally typical non-racist Hollywood subplot.
JB: Totally not racist at all, and it will kill with anyone who likes J-Lo.
DH: We get Wilder Valderamma to play Juan Epstein.
JB: He fucked Lindsay Lohan! So we’ll be able to get anybody who’s ever wanted to fuck Lindsay Lohan to see this movie!
DH: Am I forgetting anything?
JB: Horshack.
DH: Horshack, right…We’ll get DJ Qualls and stick a fucking wig on him. Then we’ll have him see dead people or some shit like that.
JB: That totally brings in the M. Night Shyamalan demo.
DH: And here’s the kicker, in the end the audience finds out that Barbarino actually did kill the janitor. A huge twist ending that no one was expecting. Kind of like Primal Fear or something.
JB: I saw Primal Fear like 4 or 5 times during the first weekend, I own the fucking DVD, the pricey special edition with the deleted scenes.
DH: Harvey Weinstein is going to have us on speed dial after this!
JB: This is going to make Star Wars look like Bio-Dome!
(mostly original) Editor’s Note: Don Hughes is a major Hollywood player/Johnny Ballon is a former pet agent who now resides in Hell. This post was initially done in green (a bit hard on the eyes now), the color of money.