Editor’s Note: Selected pieces from my former literary magazine The New Yorker idiotic blog cultgoespop. Originally “published” December 21, 2005.
CGP: Ok, let’s cut right to the chase you crazy bastard, are you going to try and steal Christmas this year?
Grinch: I just can’t reveal my secrets, it just wouldn’t be right.
CGP: Come on…hey wait, aren’t you supposed to rhyme?
Grinch: Oh that, yeah, see my contract is up with the Doctor. I’m a free agent right now. I do birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, Shakespeare in the Park, lounge acts, you name it. Anyone out there can contact my agent Murray (cut off)
CGP: Let me stop you there, we don’t really care about any of that, quit dodging, stealing Christmas this year… yes or no?
Grinch: I really can’t say.
CGP: My producer/editor told me you’d be answering this question Grinch, now cough it up!
Grinch: Ok, ok I was just messing with you. Yep, I’m stealing Christmas this year. Try not and let too many people know ahead of time.
CGP: I figured as much, are you going to puss out this time?
Grinch: Nope, don’t worry about that. Cindy Who’s all grown up and in the porn industry now.
CGP: Really? Wow. Have you ever thought about stealing Hanukkah or Kwanza?
Grinch: I’ve kicked the thought around, but it’d be a logistical nightmare, whereas Christmas is just a single day the others are just too spread out. I have other interests besides stealing Christmas. Mime work is one of them.
CGP: Fascinating stuff. I’ve always wondered why everyone got so worked up about the fact that you tried to steal Christmas. I mean it’s a pretty shitty thing to do, but it’s nothing compared to what the Who’s of Whoville did to your kind.
Grinch: Yeah, you know I’ve always wondered the same thing. The plight of the Grinchies has never really been covered by the mainstream media.
CGP: Yeah, I’ve done some research. There hasn’t been a genocide as large as the “Grinch Lynch” seen on this side of the Atlantic since the days of manifest destiny. Those Whos really hated your kind and definitely exterminated the majority of your race. I can’t really blame them though, you are a disgusting peoples.
Grinch: Haha, you kidder you.
GCP: I wasn’t kidding. It’s been real Grinch, the proper authorities will be informed of your attempts to steal Christmas again thanks fo (cut off)
Grinch: One more thing before we go!
CGP: What?
Grinch: I do haiku now, you asked me why I don’t rhyme anymore, I do haiku. Wanna hear one?
CGP: No, but go ahead. I’m handing up then.
Grinch: Great!
Hemophilia
Blood red squirt squirt stop drip taste
Yes the end is (click)
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